Does the power in your relationship shift after the birth of a baby? It’s an interesting question, don’t you think? Sometimes the shift happens right away. Sometimes it creeps up on you after a few years. Either way it adds a dynamic to deal with in your relationship. Enjoy guest blogger, Heather Wilson, as she answers this provocative question.
My specific question to Heather:
Has being a stay at home mom shifted the balance in your relationship with your spouse?
Her brilliant answer:
I don’t see how my spouse and I could ever be the same again… honestly. He calls me “mama” and suddenly can’t pick out an outfit for himself without my input. I joke with people that I am a stay at home mom of 3, and the 35 year old is definitely the toughest!
I think one of the biggest hurdles has been that I don’t have money that is mine. When we first were married we each had an allowance… we had a joint account, but we still kept individual accounts to do with what we wished. There were no questions about anything. If I bought a pair of jeans, I didn’t have to explain how much they were or justify my purchase… it was my allowance, and if that’s what I wanted to use it on, then so be it. But now, I feel like I have nothing that’s MINE anymore.
Our budget is horrible tight; I’m not even really sure how we are making it on such a small income. But it definitely creates a lot of stress in our marriage. I’m very independent… I don’t want to have to ask permission to buy a new book, or a bra, or get a pedicure. But I do now… there is no more “my” money. It’s all “ours”. And I think the guilt that I feel for not bringing any income into our house keeps me from putting my foot down and spending money on me. I find myself buying a lot for my kids… I feel like that’s allowed, but when it comes to spending on me, I feel horribly guilty. So, I guess, while my husband is referring to me as “mama”, I’m relating to him like he’s my daddy and I have to ask for the keys to the car.
I sometimes think of my husband and I as a “team” and my 2 kids as our opponents. I appreciate my husband’s role as my partner in this crazy world of parenthood. There are many laughs at the end of the night when we recount the funny stuff that my daughter has said, or the crazy thing my son has done… I definitely love that we have this insanity in common. I feel like only your spouse could ever “get” the humor, frustration, craziness that is YOUR life. We moms can all relate to each others worlds, but every child is unique and every situation is different… it is my husband that can only truly get how close to the edge my daughter pushes me every day, or how tiring it is to chase an 8 month old who has figured out how to walk (are you kidding me?!?!?!).
It’s this part of our relationship that you just don’t know about until it happens to you… and so yeah, the sex doesn’t happen often, and the dates are far and few between, but the depth of our relationship when it comes to our kids is more than I could ever imagine.
Thanks Heather, for your great answer. Heather is Mom to four year old daughter Cady and nine month old Luke…”and occasionally to 35 year old husband Kyle.” She has a BS in Music from Ithaca College and is a Nationally Certified Massage therapist. Currently, her fulltime job is “mommy”, with some time spent out of the house as an Assistant Director at a local music school for children. Please add your comments to Heather’s assessment or answer the question for yourself! If you would like to be a guest blogger on Help4NewMoms.blogspot.com, drop me a note at firstname.lastname@example.org and I’ll ask you a mom question.